Friday, December 22, 2006 Happy Birthday to Me! One year ago today, I was an entirely different person. The change between the ages of 26 and 27 is the most dramatic yet. But beyond the elaborate transformation into a broad-chested and magnificent man crammed with a complete grasp of all concerns life and love is the overpowering tendency to make exaggerated and sarcastic comparisons between identical things. It's easy to get self-relective on birthdays, maybe even a little sad. The explosion of hair and fat that marks my decent into old age is not without its benefits. I find myself mellower, happier, and more fearful of death.

Though I have a accomplished much already, by my age others had done more:

• Mozart Sebastian Bach had invented the cello and composed his 54th cello concerto.


• Nicola Tesla had discovered wireless transmission and electrified laxatives, only to have both ideas stolen by Thomas Edison.


• Christopher Columbus had discovered India and "New India."


• Jackson Maxwell Payne had perfected a way of infusing yellow corn with glucose.


• Albert Einstein had a theory.


• Proctor and Gamble had the first homosexual intercourse.


• Caesar Chavez had begun his salad and casino empire.


• Winston Skylark had perfected the world's first external combustion engine.


• Ernest Hemmingway had written a few books.


• Jada Smith had married Will Pinket.


• Susan Sommers had bought a house in Cambodia.


• Pablo Picasso had painted Guernica, twice.


• Tina "Hips" Mindy had mesmerized the nation with her "Girl From Panama Canal" dance.


• Winston Churchill enjoyed a smooth, mellow smoke.


• The two stooges met their third.


• Steven Speilberg had directed the movie with the truck that followed the man in the car.


• Jesus had walked on water.


• Allen Thicke had composed and sung over 40 sitcom themes, including that for his famous show "Leave it to Seavers."


• Natalie Dupree got her own southern homestyle cooking show on PBS.


• Allen "McCormick" Schmick opened a small stand near Cape Cod specializing in twice-steamed clam sandwiches.

All of these driven people make me think I'm motoring to the cemetery with my parking brake on.