Happy Birthday to Me!

December 22nd, 2006. Categories / Portland

One year ago today, I was an entirely different person. The change between the ages of 26 and 27 is the most dramatic yet. But beyond the elaborate transformation into a broad-chested and magnificent man crammed with a complete grasp of all concerns life and love is the overpowering tendency to make exaggerated and sarcastic comparisons between identical things. It’s easy to get self-relective on birthdays, maybe even a little sad. The explosion of hair and fat that marks my decent into old age is not without its benefits. I find myself mellower, happier, and more fearful of death.

Though I have a accomplished much already, by my age others had done more:

  • Mozart Sebastian Bach had invented the cello and composed his 54th cello concerto.
  • Nicola Tesla had discovered wireless transmission and electrified laxatives, only to have both ideas stolen by Thomas Edison.
  • Christopher Columbus had discovered India and “New India.”
  • Jackson Maxwell Payne had perfected a way of infusing yellow corn with glucose.
  • Albert Einstein had a theory.
  • Proctor and Gamble had the first homosexual intercourse.
  • Caesar Chavez had begun his salad and casino empire.
  • Winston Skylark had perfected the world’s first external combustion engine.
  • Ernest Hemmingway had written a few books.
  • Jada Smith had married Will Pinket.
  • Susan Sommers had bought a house in Cambodia.
  • Pablo Picasso had painted Guernica, twice.
  • Tina “Hips” Mindy had mesmerized the nation with her “Girl From Panama Canal” dance.
  • Winston Churchill enjoyed a smooth, mellow smoke.
  • The two stooges met their third.
  • Steven Speilberg had directed the movie with the truck that followed the man in the car.
  • Jesus had walked on water.
  • Allen Thicke had composed and sung over 40 sitcom themes, including that for his famous show “Leave it to Seavers.”
  • Natalie Dupree got her own southern homestyle cooking show on PBS.
  • Allen “McCormick” Schmick opened a small stand near Cape Cod specializing in twice-steamed clam sandwiches.

All of these driven people make me think I’m motoring to the cemetery with my parking brake on.

One Comment


Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Nik Daum, Happy Birthday to you. :)

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