Posts/December, 2006/

Happy Birthday to Me!

Friday, December 22nd, 2006

One year ago today, I was an entirely different person. The change between the ages of 26 and 27 is the most dramatic yet. But beyond the elaborate transformation into a broad-chested and magnificent man crammed with a complete grasp of all concerns life and love is the overpowering tendency to make exaggerated and sarcastic comparisons between identical things. It’s easy to get self-relective on birthdays, maybe even a little sad. The explosion of hair and fat that marks my decent into old age is not without its benefits. I find myself mellower, happier, and more fearful of death.

Though I have a accomplished much already, by my age others had done more:

  • Mozart Sebastian Bach had invented the cello and composed his 54th cello concerto.
  • Nicola Tesla had discovered wireless transmission and electrified laxatives, only to have both ideas stolen by Thomas Edison.
  • Christopher Columbus had discovered India and “New India.”
  • Jackson Maxwell Payne had perfected a way of infusing yellow corn with glucose.
  • Albert Einstein had a theory.
  • Proctor and Gamble had the first homosexual intercourse.
  • Caesar Chavez had begun his salad and casino empire.
  • Winston Skylark had perfected the world’s first external combustion engine.
  • Ernest Hemmingway had written a few books.
  • Jada Smith had married Will Pinket.
  • Susan Sommers had bought a house in Cambodia.
  • Pablo Picasso had painted Guernica, twice.
  • Tina “Hips” Mindy had mesmerized the nation with her “Girl From Panama Canal” dance.
  • Winston Churchill enjoyed a smooth, mellow smoke.
  • The two stooges met their third.
  • Steven Speilberg had directed the movie with the truck that followed the man in the car.
  • Jesus had walked on water.
  • Allen Thicke had composed and sung over 40 sitcom themes, including that for his famous show “Leave it to Seavers.”
  • Natalie Dupree got her own southern homestyle cooking show on PBS.
  • Allen “McCormick” Schmick opened a small stand near Cape Cod specializing in twice-steamed clam sandwiches.

All of these driven people make me think I’m motoring to the cemetery with my parking brake on.

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