All About Accolades

Putting the “I” in Self-Confidence

A Miner History

Under the Influencer

Cuddling the Future

The Humblest Narcissist

Nik Daum has appeared on over four hundred magazine covers across the globe, making him one of the most recognizable faces in the world.

As the author of Look What I Fucked Up and What’s That Smell? The Nik Daum Story, Nik has been invited to speak at luncheons and the prestigious TED conference. His sharp and biting criticism of the “new class” on Saved By The Bell was met with a standing ovation from the audience, millions of views online, and a personal apology from series creator Peter Engel.

This handsome fellow has numerous film and television credits. In the 80s, he made a smooth transition from the world of fashion into the arena of broadcast journalism with CBS’s acclaimed Nightly Situation Examination which he hosted for six years. In 1987, he hosted his first special for the network, The Magical World of Geoducks!, which won neither Caldecott nor Emmy. Many geoducks were harmed/killed during the filming process.

Creativity is more than just imagination. It’s the blood, sweat, and urine that go into making those ideas real after procrastinating as long as possible and dripping bodily fluids all over everything.” –Nik
Nik Daum is also a highly acclaimed producer, having been the driving force behind Poop From the Elephants, which he co-developed with J.J. Abrams. The movie has sold over 2 billion copies in the U.S. alone. Its popularity led to a follow-up, Poop From the Elephants Number Two: 2 Poops 2 Furious. His partnership with Abrams ended abruptly over creative differences and money. But that didn’t stop him from producing the hit television show From the Mouth of Angels and the short-lived but critically acclaimed cop drama From the Skillet to the Fire.

Among Nik Daum’s many other credits are The Liberator, a feature film in which he starred opposite William Baldwin as the liberator of the oppressed Hittites; Rampaging Bloodscourge, in which he played the lovable “rat-catcher”, and numerous after school specials for TV. Despite being both friends and former sex partners with Walters and Hasselbeck, he has yet to be a guest on The View.

In the past fifteen years, he has also become one of the most successful philanthropists of all time. He donates a great deal of time and energy to the Leukemia Society of America, in memory of his younger brother who not only has no connection to leukemia but isn’t even real. As part of his other charitable pursuits, he is also is a supporter of breasts, cancer, and research.

Nik Daum currently lives with a wife and no dogs in a dark cloud of uncertainty.
Nik has always maintained self-confidence, despite his big head, deformed eye, plentiful dandruff, greasy hair, failing teeth, bad breath, fattening tummy, oily skin, hairy ass, short and thin legs, weak bony knees, fungus-filled cracking toenails, body odor, foot infections, night terrors, car-crash paranoia, tendency to drip urine on his pants, overeating, laziness, general failure with relationships, jealousy, untrustworthiness, trouble falling asleep, and lack of sports ability.

Most people think that an oversized head would indicate an ability to articulate thoughts, “notions” if you will, in a clear, concise manner without fancy language or needlessly long sentences that don’t really contribute additional information to the topic at hand and end up just muddling the point like the ingredients of a poorly assembled cocktail from a bar you wish you hadn’t even ducked into. But in Nik's case, this is wrong.

His failure to articulate thoughts is only matched by the inability to express genuine emotion, highly critical nature of himself and others, indecisiveness, materialism, depression, miserliness, self-doubt, and poor skill in matching games.

If this confident-appearing fellow was wheat, he would be the husk. Any germ of confidence has long been spooned onto oatmeal, leaving only the dry outer covering. His body, also like a husk, has increased wrinkling, uneven balls, back pimples, lack of beard growing capability, large nipples, poor running stamina, bad taste in clothes, allergies, stomach issues, irritable bowels, dislike of seafood, uncertain political views, decreasing math ability, poor grammar, delusions, narcissism, ignorance, height, weight, and lack of proper metaphor.

But all of these issues are overshadowed by Nik’s award-winning* smile.

When his moist, full lips part, it’s impossible to not fall in love with the rows of perfectly aligned teeth that shine like the golden temples Conquistadors hoped to find. Each tooth is more handsome than the next, and they all smell pleasantly of vanilla, sulfur, and composite resin.

Brian Wilson, former Beach Boy, once described Nik's smile as full of “good, good, good, good vibrations” and that it was inspiration for the album Brian Wilson Presents Smile.

Nik described Brian Wilson’s smile as inferior to his own and that it was inspiration for nothing.

*National Smile Awards: Gold 1984-87, American Tooth Society: Diamond Smile 1993, MTV Movie Awards “Hottest Mouth” 1998.
Nik Daum, vigorous form of ego and ignorance, was born in Indiana in the late Seventies. Following in his deceased parents’ footsteps, as a child he worked in a factory assembling insulation products. Nik’s boss, Big Bobby, was his primary care-giver during his youth. Big Bobby provided food (mostly from vending machines) and shelter, but he could not meet his young employee’s emotional needs. After saving enough money to buy a shotgun, oats, and a cowboy hat, Nik moved to Dallas to start a better life.

In Dallas, Nik mined in open-pit mines. He would separate the minerals from the ore and sort them into different grades, usually based on potency. The strength and the chemical composition of the minerals determined the kind of products that could be made. At the time, most of the minerals were used in building materials, textiles, missile and jet parts, asphalt, paints, and friction products such as brake linings. Some of Nik’s ore might even be in the computer terminal or cassette tapes you are using today!

While Nik took pride in the products he was helping to produce, the exposure to ore and ore byproducts ravaged his body. After a series of minor lung replacement surgeries, Nik left the mines and promptly bought a house. Sitting and computers became his hobbies. The following year, Nik met his first girlfriend named Tammy Tay-Sachs. Their courtship resulted in multiple stillborn offspring but no marriage. Tammy wasn’t ready for long-term commitment, and the relationship ended just as slowly, awkwardly, and with as much paperwork as it started.

Many years were empty and wet with tears. The emotional hole had to be plugged, and Nik began his search for another one true love. A string of failed relationships resulted: Betty the dancer and her childhood issues, Botty and her strict father, and Batty who had both father and childhood issues. With each break-up, Nik understood more about himself–what he had a taste for in women, the meaning of love, the meaning of life, and to avoid women with names ending in “tty”.

But knowledge didn’t equal immediate success, and as the years wore on Nik became more desperate to find someone. He felt like time was running out for him to form a meaningful bond.

Depressed, Nik took to eating. He largely consumed fats and oils such as butter, lard, and oil. Tallow was sometimes eaten, in addition to margarine and linseed oil. Due to expense, pizza rolls were a rare treat.

While Nik is no longer alone in life, eating is a coping mechanism that still remains.
Being a social media influencer means that not only am I making other people feel worse about themselves, but I get to feel worse about myself too!” –Nik
Nik is turning his own weight loss story into one of the fastest-growing businesses of its kind. The magnitude of his accomplishment going from size big to size less big in only sixty months, while eating dessert every day, is only matched by the impressive growth of his social media following: from 1 follower to 23 followers in seven years!

Nik has created a 452-week virtual course as well as a one-on-one nude coaching program for people struggling with lack of purpose, giving them the blueprint to his success and the brownprint to helping them on their journey to the scale.

Nik’s recently published recipe collection of delicious, main dishes and desserts, The Forty Hour Work Eat is selling like delicious, steaming hotcakes. And people have responded amazingly well to his live recipe videos on Facebook and Periscope Vine Snapchat. People have not responded nearly as well to his dead recipe videos.

Several of Nik’s British clients have lost hundreds of pounds after working with him for just 2 weeks. But it’s not just great in Britain. His programs have personally made money off of people all over the world.

When you meet this no-nonsense, exuberant entrepreneur, you’ll understand why he is at the top of his game and an inspiration to anyone wanting to enjoy both their food and their life.

Nik is more than just an influencer. He’s a social media influencer.
Nik stands at the forefront of the fastest moving technology industry trend: cloud crypto hashtags. He’s spent the past ten years evangelizing an industry-wide shift to the the digital equivalent of billowing water vapor and has helped numerous Fortune 500 companies participate in the trendy public cloud crypto hashtags space.

We are at the forefront of the greatest technology revolution since flying cars. The future was yesterday. Tomorrow is now. Embrace tomorrow and live in a yesterday powered by cloud crypto hashtags.” –Nik
A calculated risk-taker with #techsmarts, Nik has championed his enterprise and consumer customers to embrace the cloud crypto hashtags future.

Nik is recognized for designing, landing, and leading the strategic cloud crypto hashtags programs for CryptoHA$H, OpenCrypto365, Cloud Wallet, Cumulus Online, Hash-Stash, and Cloudy With a Chance of Hashtags.

As a former sexy hacker, he worked with Anonymous’s less anonymous collective called Knownymous on a variety of hybrid cloud crypto hashtags that are fueling the industry-wide transition to something.

Throughout his 1-year tenure with Coin Dingo, Nik built a reputation for developing business strategies, incubating new business models, and building out the employee cafeteria menu.

In his 1-year tenure with CASHr, he also developed and managed a profitable business model for high-end enterprise services projected to be CASHr’s next giant growth opportunity before they ceased operations.

In the 1 month he was CEO of MoistCoin, his pricing models helped incubate new products into mature revenue-generating engines. Additionally, he spearheaded the company's buzz-worthy “Get Moist” campaign.

Embracing the core values of integrity, innovation, and coreness, Nik consistently ranks among the top 99% and has won a nearly uncountable number of tech incubator awards.*

Nik holds a Finance MBA as well as his own penis. He is a former finance wanker with Stanley Morgan and has 55+ combined years (virtual + actual + interest) of experience in the finance and technology arenas, with a focus on cloud crypto hashtags.

It takes vision to skate to where the puck will be, but Nik is so visionary he skates to where there never was a puck. He’s not even a fan of basketball.

*The 3 awards include A Hashy Silver Merit, CloudCash’s Buck The Trends Award, and Coin Dingo Foundation’s coveted Digital Dog Shit Award.
Nik Daum was born in a well-rated hospital in a respectable part of town.

While the babe emerged happy and healthy, it was a difficult birth. Nik's full length mirror, fitted designer suits, and assortment of styling products from the gestation period had trouble making it through the birth canal. Forceps accidentally broke his cherished hair dryer, risking the future of his already flowing, gorgeous hair.

Nik is the best smelling baby I’ve ever smelled. And trust me, I’ve smelled a lot of babies.” –Prestigious Doctor
After apologizing profusely and promising he'd take care of the replacement, the doctor finished swaddling the baby.

“Wow, this is the best smelling baby I've ever smelled,” the doctor smiled.

“We know!” Both of his parents replied simultaneously. They looked at each other and started laughing. Nik was quick to pounce on the opportunity.

“JINX!”

Both parents and the doctor looked over to the child. The doctor had a shocked look on his face, but his parents only smiled. His dad gave him a sly wink.

That afternoon, Nik was enrolled in the prestigious Peabody School for Babies That Will Eventually Become Men. The school had leagues more ivy on it than Harvard and Yale combined.

In school, Nik Daum excelled in drinking breast milk, math, economics, language, foreign language, earth science, computer science, literature, biology, history, art, music, dance, and making all sorts of long lasting personal connections.

He also participated in a variety of sports such as rowing, soccer, beach volleyball, track, basketball, squash, bocce, badminton, polo, diving, lacrosse, horse racing, baseball, cricket, darts, football, gymnastics, and rugby. While he enjoyed all of them, he was especially gifted in all of them.

Nik is the brightest and most ruthless student I’ve ever seen. He makes Mark Zuckerberg look like a regular Eduardo Saverin. And he makes Eduardo look the worst-looking pebble on a beach like Pebble Beach.” –Professor, Harvard Pro
Nik Daum graduated early, with honors, and entered the undergrad program at Harvard Pro. This offshoot of Harvard is more exclusive, expensive, and better.

After graduating from Harvard Pro early, with honors, Nik started work on his masters at Bation University.

With masters in hand, Nik was the pearl in the oyster of the world. Without much trouble, he began a successful career in making money, married his true love, toured the world (except Africa) and bought a house, car, pets, and all the personal electronics he could ever want.

For fun, he preens himself in front of a full length mirror while trying to find the best combination of styling products. He also makes sure that all of his designer suits are still perfectly fitted.

Nik is currently sitting on his couch eating a plain, un-toasted piece of bread as the world revolves around him.